On self-hatred and finding freedom from it

So pretty hefty topic, yeah?


Well. I think more of us deal with it then we let on. And if we’re not going to talk about the hard stuff… the stuff that’s in our basements and crammed in our closets… how are we ever going to move forward? Step into new realms of freedom and life that God has for us?

So yes. This is why I’m talking about self-hatred. Because it’s real and because I believe there’s real freedom from it.
Freedom that I’m still struggling to find.

Self-hatred is very real to me. Still. Now. And it’s real to a lot of people.
It’s something that has wormed its way into the matter and life of many, myself included, and leaves a twisted, broken mess. A broken mess that maybe doesn’t look so broken on the outside, but on the inside?…

There are many forms of self-hatred – ranging from negative thoughts and remarks about yourself to actual physical self-harm such as cutting etc.

We often see those physical manifestations of self-hatred as being the real, extreme ones that we need to deal with.

But I think equally important is to address the destructive thoughts and words we speak over ourselves.

Now, don’t get me wrong. This post isn’t so that we all start loving ourselves to the point that we become consumed and prideful. It’s not just to have this warm-fuzzy feeling inside so we all feel better and can live a good life. It’s not just to give you a pat on the back and say it’s not neccessary to be responsible with your life and body.

Not at all.

No, it’s to reclaim our identity and the people that God has made us to be. The devil is trying to steal life -emotionally and literally – through the spirit of self-hatred and God isn’t really about that.

At all.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have LIFE and LIFE to the FULL.” John 10:10

Why does God want us to have LIFE?

Because this is how He designed us from the very beginning. And this is what He wants to restore to us. To make the broken whole. To release captives from prison. To bind up the broken hearted. (taken from Is. 61:1-4)

My own story with self-hatred is all too real still.

Now, you probably wouldn’t think that this is something I struggle with on first glance… see. The mask works people.
But the mask doesn’t help.

So, in taking off the mask and being real, here I am. In high school and during the first of my years at Luther, performance and hating who I was were big parts of my life. Driven by striving for a certain image and comparing myself with those around me, I engaged in habits that weren’t healthy or life-giving for my body. I hated how I looked and who I was and I was determined to do something about it. I ran and ran and worked and worked and maybe was sometimes happy… but not really. I was still pretty miserable even if maybe I was reaching my goals for image and fitness.

But what happens when you fall short of acheiving your goal… or when you can’t make it work anymore. What then?

Frustration. Hopelessness. And more self-loathing.


It’s kind of a bitter, painful, cycle that seems to keep playing in and out of my life.

I don’t believe this is how God wants us to live though.
And He’s shown me that over these last few years – that He doesn’t want me to live in death but in life.
He’s brought a realization to me, directly and through other people, that how I view myself and treat myself is not healthy. That He has a better way for me to live.

It’s been a painful process – healing from those frameworks and structures I put in place.

I still struggle with negative thoughts about myself and anxious, freak-out moments about who I am. But learning, slowly learning, about surrendering my thoughts and my mind to the Lord – because those negative, self-hating thoughts are not from him.

Why would He speak death words over me when He is all about life?

So. The opposite of self-hatred and dwelling on those words and thoughts? It’s about taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ. (2 Cor 10:5).

I think that’s where the Freedom comes in. Letting God purify your mind and dictate what’s junk and what’s Truth. It’s about accepting and receving who we are right now just as Jesus does for us, regardless of whether or not we like this or that feature about ourselves.

It’s about beginning to value yourself how God does.

(Now don’t get me wrong. I think it’s totally ok to have fitness goals or other sorts of goals and to work towards them, but it’s all in the spirit of how you do so – are you driven by fear and self-hate towards something that’s not super realistic or are you accepting and receving yourself now and healthily working towards something you can achieve? What’s your motive?)

Something that I’ve realized is that self-hatred leaves no room for the presence of God’s grace to soften and calm and bring rest. Self-hatred says that things are hopeless. That things will never change and there is no chance of “getting better” or “doing better” – whatever those things actually mean.
But God’s voice beckons and brings rest and peace. It says, “give this to me. Let me carry it. Let me carry you.”

So ask the Lord to tear the spirit of self-hatred out of your life. To replace it with the Holy Spirit. With His heart and His life and His words. Now, you might have to do this every day or every other moment… but don’t give up. There is life and hope for you. It’s not up to you to change this. Rather, it’s about surrender and submission to God and letting Him cover you. It’s about having his goals for your life. It’s about life and life to the full.

I’d also encourage you to be real with those around you – be real about the struggles in your life… about how you see yourself. Stand together – for each other – with each other. It’s what it means to be the church.

Vulnerability with God and with others is BEAUTIFUL and it is life.

I pray that we can walk in this freedom.



Learning to be satisfied – to be at rest

Hi. It’s me.
Early-twenties, college-grad with a big, ready-for-action heart.
Heart for adventure and exploring and newness and FREEDOM.
Heart for connecting with others and loving them and wanting to see them step forth confidently into what God has for them.
Heart that loves to keep moving and learning…
Heart that ultimately, longs for adventure.
I’m ready! I’m ready!

Heart that… on the outside… looks like everything is great and things are “in-order” and well, everything’s ok.
But Heart that really… on the inside… is restless and hopeful and sometimes… well. Dissatisfied.


Dissatisfied with appearance.
Dissatisfied with “singleness.”
Dissatisfied with the pace of life.

It’s not that my heart is not joyful. Or that I’m totally down-in-the-dumps. But my heart is just enough dissatisfied that I’m afraid that I’ll miss what’s right in front of me.
The adventure that’s unfolding right in front of my eyes.
But since it’s not the adventure that I would choose right now… I’ve rendered it as not exciting enough.

Because, you see, the heart is the core of a person, and when my heart is focused on dissatisfaction and all the things that aren’t quite right… my eyes are focused on dissatisfaction and all the things that aren’t quite right.


Maybe I can try to close my eyes and focus them on the right things, but if my heart’s out of focus, so will my eyes be.

See. I can’t stop looking and seeing dissatisfaction if my heart is seeing dissatisfaction. It’s a heart problem.

So often I do this…
Hmm.. God. I would be happy if you gave me __________. (fill in the blank). Or if I looked like ____________. Or if I just knew __________.
THEN. I could focus on you and see all your blessings. THEN I could walk forth in what you’ve given me and called me to.

Well. Hmmm. Has that ever worked before?

To be honest. No.

I went through a time in my life where I really struggled with identity and finding any worth in myself. I thought that if I worked harder and ran more and performed better and had a better image… that I would be satisfied. But I never was. I was so blind to everything and dealt with a lot of self-hatred and am still healing from this.

I look back now at that time and wonder how in the world I was so blind to who I was. How I was so dissatisfied with myself when, back then, I was i.e. a faster runner.. more fit etc. If at any time, I should have been satisfied then! I really had it good. And then I start thinking, to be satisfied now, I just have to re-achieve those things.. that fitness.. that image.

But if it never made me happy before, why would things change now?

God has been showing me that true satisfaction can never come from the things that I own.
Or the title I possess.
The image I have.
The people that I’m with.
Whether I’m single or dating or married.

Those are great things. A lot of them are gifts and are meant to be enjoyed.

But satisfaction is heart material. Not physical or status-related. It’s woven into the threads and passageways of that beating mass that we call the heart.
Satisfaction is trusting God with our lives – trusting Him that He knows the desires of our hearts and that He has made us perfectly and completely.

It’s a hard but really simple truth: satisfaction is being grateful for who you are – where you are – what you are doing – because the Good Shepherd has formed you and directed you and surrounds you now.

Living satisfied is living in trust. Living in the reality that your Good Father is looking out for you.
That He has a purpose for this season of life.

Living satisfied is the healthy-heart-kind-of-living where my eyes will be focused on the right things. Focused on what He wants me to see.

If I can’t be satisfied with where He has me right now – I won’t be satisfied later.

Lord, please help us. Please open our eyes to see the blessings right in front of us. To see the adventures right in front of us.

Please work on our hearts. Remove the poison of dissatisfaction and discontentment.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Ps. 51:10

Psalms 23
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff they comfort me.

Ask the Lord… “Am I satisfied in you?”

On Being Content


I haven’t written in what seems to be a really long time. But God has been prompting my heart to write again.

Specifically on being content.

What does that even mean? To be content?

Content –> Pleased and satisfied; not needing more.

Huh. How often am I satisfied with my situation? In a state of not needing anything more.

Hmmmm… not very often.

Wake up oh sleeper!

The girl sets her coffee down. Her Bible down. 

She slips into the soft chair and pulls her feet up under her. Ready to sit and rest and breathe.images



A faint voice calls from the distance. Searching. 


She opens her Bible. Flipping through to a favorite verse and dwells on it for a bit. Trying to focus.


“Do you hear me?”


Her seat is by the window of the coffee shop. A couple walks by. Holding hands and smiling. The girl’s mind wanders. 

“Are you listening?” 

It pleads. It beckons. 

“Do you see me?” 

A girl runs by.

‘Wish I could look like that.’

Her hands slip off the page and her mind slips to her doubts about herself. Her desires to train harder, or look better, or find him…

“Where are your eyes?”

She sits in silence for a while. All the thoughts running through her mind about running… and future… and image… and self-worth… and lies… and condemnation…

“Why are your eyes there? ” The voice calls… wanting… 

Ah. She shakes herself and flips her Bible back open. Running to Truth.  Frustrated with herself and her wandering mind. ‘Why do I so desire these other things above you, God?

“What are you doing with your life?” 

‘I don’t know.’

“Where are you, my child?” 

“My child, I WANT you!”

“I WANT you!”

“Why do you not see?”


A voice crying out. A voice pleading that we would hear and listen. And go that way. His way. 

Will we listen? Can we even hear Him? 

” [The Shepherd] calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and the sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.” John 10:4-5

Can we hear his voice? Who are we following?

Do we see the blood pouring down his brow as His eyes search for ours? As His eyes search to see where ours are- whether we’re looking back at Him – or if we’re in a trance – mesmorized and hypnotized by the “pretty things” in our lives. 

Where are our eyes? Where are our hearts?

Jeremiah 5:21 says this to the house of Jacob and Judah:
“Hear this, you foolish and senseless people, who have eyes but do not see. Ears but do not hear. Should you not fear me?” declares the Lord. “Should you not tremble in my presence?” Jer 5:21

I believe our generation needs a wake up. A call to rise.

Rise up O brothers and sisters! Rise up O warriors! Jesus is coming back. Will we be ready? Will I be ready?

Will you be ready?

Ready for what? 

Ready for Jesus’ return.


Do we understand that? Grasp the gravitiy of that? Grasp the importance of that? I certainly don’t. I want to though.

For we are not called to be living for the moment. We look forward to the returning of the King and have as the first and formeost the drive and passion to love Him. And from that, we live to tell others of this love story and of the Truth that divides joint and marrow – penetrates to dividing soul and spirit.

Jesus is coming back. And either you love and follow Him and will go to dwell with Him or you will be His enemy and forever perish in the pit of hell.

Do we live with that realization? That heart cry for our friends? It’s quite brash. Quite offensive.

But Jesus didn’t say His message was easy to accept. People will be offended. But people will also be saved. 

I’m so afraid that we aren’t living for this purpose. 

That, sure, we have committed in our hearts to follow Jesus and have recieved salvation, but how are we living? 

I know for me, my eyes are so often everywhere else… except on Jesus. I’m so consumed with what I look like. How I want to have the “perfect” image. How I want to portray a good image to those around me. I’m worried about my future. About who my future husband will be. About where my family is at. 

I’m consumed with the spirit of this age – the spirit of consumerism and about perfecting my status. Seeing all these ideals of people and things that I should be and that I should look like and then striving for those. 

So many of the prophets are talking to the people about how they have forsaken God and built idols. Idols that cannot talk and cannot see and cannot save. They cry out for the people to return to the Lord. To seek His face. 

For these idols are not passive. Not only are we consumed with them but they consume us. Twisting our minds so that we can no longer see straight or hear clearly and follow. I don’t want to live in that. 

don’t want to live in that!!!!!!! We were made for so much more! 

I don’t want to be so consumed with things on the outside. Things that are surface level and go no deeper than the skin. In my life, these things take prevalence over Jesus so often and are often the things I run to and “worship” before Jesus. 

At the One Thing conference over New Years, Francis Chan talked about Revelation 3. 

How we “have a reputation of being alive, but… are dead.” Jesus then says “Wake up! Strenghten what remains and is about to die.” Rev 3:1b-2. 

We have a reputation of being alive. But what’s really going on? Where are our hearts? 

We have this reputation of living for Jesus but are we living for idols too? 

In Revelation, Jesus is also speaking to the church of Ephesus. He encourages them for all their hard work and perseverance – for seeking God and not forsaking His name. But then He says: “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.” Rev 2:4

You’ve done all these things and yet you’ve forsaken your first love. Ouch.

First love.

I don’t want to do that.

I don’t want to forsake my first love. 

I want to know Him. To know Him. To desire Him with everything. 

But so often my heat is dead. And distracted. 

This is not a condemnation. This is a conviction to rise.

Rise and strengthen what remains. 

God is not done with us and doesn’t want us to just settle and live cool, relaxed hipster Christian lives. 

He has made us for so much more.

So what do we do?

1) Be real with Jesus. Seek Him and tell Him what’s going on. Confess where you’ve been. Lay down your idols. For me, this is my ideals of the “perfect image.” For being ungrateful for who He’s made me. For putting my agenda first. This is a daily thing. Seek Him. “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13 

Listen for Him. For His heart. 

2)Ask Him to help you love Him. We can’t even love Him on our own strength. But He wants to help us love Him. He desires for us to know Him. 

3) Get in community where you can encourage one another to pursue the Father. To not give up when it’s hard. Community is so of God and is so crucial. 4) Obey Him. He does not call us to live comfortable live but to “Go and make disciples of all nations.” Your mission field is right where you are. I don’t want to be ashamed of the gospel. I don’t want to hold it inside. We don’t put a candle under a basket. We set it out for all to see. We need to ask our Father for boldness. For a passion to tell others about His love.

I love you, my brothers and sisters.

“Let us not become weary in doing good.” Gal 6:9

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. For the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning it’s shame and sat down at the right hand of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:1-3


Think about it.
Are you satisfied right now?
I mean, really satisfied right now?

Deep down. If you just sat
in silence.

Just sat and really thought about it. What would your answer be?

How do you really feel right now?

Maybe not satisfied.

Maybe anxious?

Or maybe joyful! Peaceful. Hopeful. You could definitly be feeling that too. I don’t always mean to sound like this down trodden, dramatic, pathetic person 🙂 In fact, I’m all about joy. I’m just writing from the place God is bringing me from.

So, no matter which of those feelings you’re experiencing, I’d encourage you to go even deeper.

Are you satisfied?
Not in the superficial things in your life – school, work, titles earned, goals achieved…
But in the things that cut to the core.

That make up your core?

Namely, who God has made you to be. Your identity.

Because if you’re not satisfied and content in who God has made you to be, then this keeps you from a whole level of freedom God intends for us as His kids.

That’s what it’s done to me. That whole dissatisfied… disgusted thing.

I guess I’ll just share what God has laid on my heart concerning this issue.
I struggle a lot with being satisfied and content with who God has made me to be. Whether it’s how He’s made me as a physical person or how he’s made my personality.

I don’t know why this is.

I think maybe one of the big reasons is that I’m a big people pleaser. I love people and love goofing off but also having deep meaningful conversations, but in all of that, I worry a lot… I mean, a lot a lot about what people think.

And it seems like it’s gotten worse as I’ve let that little lion of a beast live inside of me. Go figure huh. Lion cubs, like sin or fear or something, will eventually grow huge and overtake whatever they’re occupying. Kind of the same with the whole dissatisfied, disgusted thing in my life. I didn’t catch it early on so it kind of took my life over. And yeah. Not fun stuff.

I’ve struggled a lot with the Psalms 139:14 verse:
“I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

I would get frustrated with God because I struggled to believe this was true. In our world, especially as women, it’s so easy to enter the “beauty competition” and when you’re not “skinny enough” or perfect enough, you feel completely worthless. I bought into that for so long. But I would ask God, “how am I made fearfully and wonderfully? I feel the farthest from that right now.”

I was never satisfied. Never satisfied with how hard I exercised or how hard I watched my “healthy” eating. It kind of turns into a disease.

This spread to how I viewed everything else in my life. I felt like I had no purpose – sure I could crank out the A+++ grades like no other, but that feels pretty meaningless. What good at anything was I?

And so, I’d find myself getting stuck in these downwards spiraling blackholes of fear and worthlessness. Where I’d just compare myself and feel down and get jealous and covet what other people had or looked like.
It felt really low. And sometimes I still go there.

But the reason I’m writing this is to say that there is hope.


Like a cold blast of air that refreshes and rejuvinates you.

Hope that God can bring you to a place where you are confident and satsified in the beautiful person he has made you to be. Because He is satsified with you. Head over heels for you. Deeply in love with you.

And He wants you to be confident in your identity, because from this, he calls each of you to the specific purpose he has for you.

See, the whole dealio the devil trys to get us to believe is that the problem is us. That we are flawed. That if we could just get it right, all would be ok.

But the fact is, we can’t get it right. Before we were God’s kids, the problem was us. We were fallen. We couldn’t make it ok. But there is someone who can.

Jesus. If you ask Him to be your Savior and King, you are no longer bound to that curse of fear and brokeness. We are free and called to live our lives for Him. Not for ourselves.

So, when the devil says you’re the problem, say this back.

“Denied. I am a daughter/son of the True King. I AM NOT FLAWED. God has a purpose for me. That purpose is not to live for myself. It’s to show others this True Life-changing Love I’ve found. I’m free.”

First, we have to be satisfied in Jesus.
“Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks this water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:13-14

Second, Jesus wants us to be content with who He’s made us to be.

And remember to note this:

That God doesn’t want us to be satisfied just so we can enjoy our perfect little life and be good and feel good about ourselves.

No. He wants us to be satsified and content with who we are 1) because He made us and He calls it beautiful and 2) because He wants us to bodly and unashamedly step into the purpose He has for each one of us.

YOU have a purpose
Right now.

You can be content and satisfied in your identity. Ask God to help you with this. Ask Him to help you stop playing the comparison game. All it does is make you go on an endless search. But you are already found. Recieve that.

Who you are right now is the person God wants to use right now.

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
Phil 4:11-13

Being Brave…. because I have every reason to

Maybe for you, the start of new adventures is scary.

The questions surround you.
Do I have everything I need? Am I ready for this? What if it turns out horribly? What if I’m all alone? What if this is a mistake?

What if I fail?

A new adventure could be the start of a new school year… the end of school… the start of a new career… the beginning of a trip across the world…

Or just the start of a new day.

Maybe for you, starting the day afresh doesn’t feel so fresh… it’s the same old grind and you feel like you’re simply wandering.

Maybe this struggle is just too scary. How much more can you take?

You wish you could be back in that season where everything felt under control. Well, more under control them this does. You think back to those moments. Those clear, sky blue days.
I can vision it now.

I take in big breaths of fresh morning air and lace on my shoes.
Feeling invincible.
Feeling powerful and so connected to the Source of my power.
These days I feel as if I could run marathons… follow the call that Jesus has laid out for me.
Those are the days I label as “perfect” “well done” in my mental photo album.
“Well done….”

But this isn’t most of the time. Those “mountaintop” experiences are what we always label as the good times. The times when we felt closest to Jesus. When we feel we’ve finally got it right.

But what about those other times?

When you feel as if you’re walking through the valley of dark. Darkness all around. Uncertainty and confusion.

And you don’t feel good.
You don’t necessarily feel close to Jesus.

When I’m in this place, all I want to do is run out of the valley and hide in the safety of His arms.

And from the valley, this new adventure, this new day, this old struggle. Boy – it seems pretty impossible. How can I overcome these fears?

I feel so alone in this.


I don’t feel like I can do it.
I’m afraid and am so overwhelmed by the waves of doubt and condemnation and fear that are crashing over me.

But Jesus says this:
“And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Cor 10:13

He will provide.


He will provide the strength and ability to make it through the tough days… the new adventure… the same old grind.

So if that wall in front of you looks impossible to climb… so high that you have to crane your neck to see the top, it’s ok.
It’s ok.

Because you just have to look right in front of you to see Jesus holding out his arms.

He’s ready for you to run into them.

“Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest.” Matt 11:28

We can rest and seek refuge in Him. Refuge from the worries and fears. Peace from the storm.

And in Him, we find we have ALL we need.

There is no lack in Him.


So, you can face this new day. You can take on this new adventure. You can trust Him in this.

Because He is God and He is faithful. He is ABBA father, Daddy.

You can be Brave. Because you have all the reason in the world to be. Every reason.
He will never let you go and He has a purpose for your life. His awe-striking power is unfolding in your life and He is using you to bring His pure freedom and Truth and restoration power to this dying earth.

He is using you.

So step out in faith and be brave.

Joshua 1:9

Running… running… running…

Breathless. Eyes searching. Heart pounding. Thoughts chasing and swelling like a madly swirling whirpool in which I’ll drown – if I stop.


I want to stop… running.


Sometimes desperately in the pursuit of it…

Sometimes desperately away… 

But always running. Never stopping. But never reaching. 


The rain pours down around me. Soaking my bones which are all together too dry right now.

Dry bones. Dry hopes.

My hands clench in fists at this unrelenting drill seargant. At this fear. 

That keeps me running… 



I just want to find a place of rest. Of quiet. Of security. A place… someone, to bury my head into and 





But the fear tells me there is no such place. 

No satisfaction. 

No rest. 


I can do, or find, or achieve…. perfection – it’s standard of beauty – worldly achievements.

Then I’ll be joyful – happy – content. 

So I keep running,



While the tears are running, running, running, down my face. 


I run to so many different arms –

the mirror


my grades

sports goals


mindless distractions to distract me from this pain.

From the taunts that say I can never be whole.

That I’ll always be this way. 

Sometimes, I feel like I finally figured out the mess. I finally have things under control. So I slow down… but the next minute, I’m up in over my head,

and I have to start running again.

This time away from the things that I thought would save me. That had embraced me. But now tell me that no matter what, my best will never be good enough. 

So I keep running.


So alone.

So afraid.


But then in the midst of this pain, a faint whisper dances through the pouring rain.

“You are mine.”

You are mine and in me will you find true life – life that satisfies – I can make these dry bones come alive. Come and abide in me. Throw your arms around me. Rest your head on me.

You can cry.

I came to bring your dead body back to life. For when in me, you die, you again rise to be with me – completely free – completely whole and belonging only to me.

You belong to me. 


No more running.

The only thing that will run is fear for in MY NAME fear HAS TO FLEE.”

I hesitate. You want me? This mess? sad-girl-2

“Yes,” He answers.


“Do you know how much I am in love with you? 

How badly I want you. 

You, baby girl? 

You,” He whispers.

For before, a chasm seperated us. I couldn’t cross and neither could you, but do you know how badly I wanted to? That’s why I died. Why I took your place and gave my life to the murderers – to the ones who kept you running, running, always running. It wanted nothing but for you to die. And I want nothing more than for you to be alive. So I gave my life.

Baby, I want you to breathe, live, laugh, be alive!

And now! That chasm, baby it no longer exists – you see, death had it’s hold on you, had its bony fingers twined around your mind- around your heart – but I let it tear me instead so you wouldn’t be torn apart. You still feels it’s marks on your heart – it’s bruises and cuts where it tried to suck the life from the very inside of you – but I’m going to heal you. Heal those cuts. 

For I am your refuge, girl. 

Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t going to feel pain in this world, that life will always be easy or pain-free, but it means that you will always have safety and security in me. That those life-stealing pains can no longer maim you, because you are mine. 

You are mine.

You are mine.”

Tears flood my eyes and my hands shakily twist my dress at my sides.

Can I trust Him?

Be safe in Him?

Nothing before has ever ended in Joy or Truth. Why would this be any different?
But it is different. I know it is. His eyes pour into mine like I’ve never felt before. Seen before. Barely dared to dream about before.

I find myself running,



Running to arms so strong, yet so gentle and so warm.

Strong arms wrap around me.

Rescue me.

Want me.

Hold me.

Now I know where I belong.

To whom I belong.

And although this journey isn’t over, the pain won’t be completely gone, I now belong to the only One who will walk along with me no matter what – no matter how easy or how tough it gets.

He’s saved me.
Claimed me.

Brought me HOPE and JOY and TRUTH.
He’s Restored me. Made me new.

And I don’t have to run anymore.
Unless it’s into His arms, safe and secure.

Fear no longer owns me.
The world no longer owns me.

For I belong to Him and He to me.
And in Him I am free.

His name is Jesus and I am His. I’m His daughter. His lover. I’m His.