Breathless. Eyes searching. Heart pounding. Thoughts chasing and swelling like a madly swirling whirpool in which I’ll drown – if I stop.
I want to stop… running.
Sometimes desperately in the pursuit of it…
Sometimes desperately away…
But always running. Never stopping. But never reaching.
The rain pours down around me. Soaking my bones which are all together too dry right now.
Dry bones. Dry hopes.
My hands clench in fists at this unrelenting drill seargant. At this fear.
That keeps me running…
I just want to find a place of rest. Of quiet. Of security. A place… someone, to bury my head into and
But the fear tells me there is no such place.
I can do, or find, or achieve…. perfection – it’s standard of beauty – worldly achievements.
Then I’ll be joyful – happy – content.
So I keep running,
While the tears are running, running, running, down my face.
I run to so many different arms –
mindless distractions to distract me from this pain.
From the taunts that say I can never be whole.
That I’ll always be this way.
Sometimes, I feel like I finally figured out the mess. I finally have things under control. So I slow down… but the next minute, I’m up in over my head,
and I have to start running again.
This time away from the things that I thought would save me. That had embraced me. But now tell me that no matter what, my best will never be good enough.
So I keep running.
But then in the midst of this pain, a faint whisper dances through the pouring rain.
“You are mine.”
“You are mine and in me will you find true life – life that satisfies – I can make these dry bones come alive. Come and abide in me. Throw your arms around me. Rest your head on me.
You can cry.
I came to bring your dead body back to life. For when in me, you die, you again rise to be with me – completely free – completely whole and belonging only to me.
You belong to me.
No more running.
The only thing that will run is fear for in MY NAME fear HAS TO FLEE.”
“Yes,” He answers.
“Do you know how much I am in love with you?
How badly I want you.
You, baby girl?
You,” He whispers.
“For before, a chasm seperated us. I couldn’t cross and neither could you, but do you know how badly I wanted to? That’s why I died. Why I took your place and gave my life to the murderers – to the ones who kept you running, running, always running. It wanted nothing but for you to die. And I want nothing more than for you to be alive. So I gave my life.
Baby, I want you to breathe, live, laugh, be alive!
And now! That chasm, baby it no longer exists – you see, death had it’s hold on you, had its bony fingers twined around your mind- around your heart – but I let it tear me instead so you wouldn’t be torn apart. You still feels it’s marks on your heart – it’s bruises and cuts where it tried to suck the life from the very inside of you – but I’m going to heal you. Heal those cuts.
For I am your refuge, girl.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t going to feel pain in this world, that life will always be easy or pain-free, but it means that you will always have safety and security in me. That those life-stealing pains can no longer maim you, because you are mine.
You are mine.
You are mine.”
Tears flood my eyes and my hands shakily twist my dress at my sides.
Can I trust Him?
Be safe in Him?
Nothing before has ever ended in Joy or Truth. Why would this be any different?
But it is different. I know it is. His eyes pour into mine like I’ve never felt before. Seen before. Barely dared to dream about before.
I find myself running,
Running to arms so strong, yet so gentle and so warm.
Strong arms wrap around me.
Now I know where I belong.
To whom I belong.
And although this journey isn’t over, the pain won’t be completely gone, I now belong to the only One who will walk along with me no matter what – no matter how easy or how tough it gets.
He’s saved me.
Brought me HOPE and JOY and TRUTH.
He’s Restored me. Made me new.
And I don’t have to run anymore.
Unless it’s into His arms, safe and secure.
Fear no longer owns me.
The world no longer owns me.
For I belong to Him and He to me.
And in Him I am free.