So, I thought at first that this challenge would be pretty simple and straightforward… you know, I’ve been feeling pretty joyful and “free” of stuff that I’ve struggled with… so yeah, let’s go and be joyful!
But it’s actually been quite difficult.
I’ve found myself falling back into the lies and really struggling with different things… and that causes me to ask myself…
How in the world can I have joy when I feel so anxious and so negative about myself and everything around me?
This morning, I was feeling really rotten and went to go study in the science building. When I walked up to the chalkboard to start reviewing my nutrition homework, in big letters across the whole board was written…
Huh. Ok, God. That’s funny. I see what you’re doing.
I started feeling bad then because gosh oh man, I just need to pull myself up and put on my big-girl joyful face and make everything ok. But I couldn’t do that. Didn’t really have the energy.
So I’m like, ok, God? Now what? I don’t want to synthesize this artificial JOY and I certainly don’t see how I can be joyful when I’m having such a hard time feeling positive about myself and who you’ve made me to be. Seems kind of impossible right now.
So, now it’s midnight. Actually the day turned out to be pretty good. Really busy but with some fun moments in between those busy moments.
But really, there’s this empty ache inside of me. This ache to be free. To be FREE! Let out of this cage.
I realize that a lot of it is my choice. My choice to recieve the JOY he has so freely yet painfully given to me and is holding out to me right now. So often I push it away with my clenched fists, not wanting to open my hands and take His – his hands, so open, so full of life and love.
What I’m realizing is the things I’m living for – whether it’s looks, or performance, or straight A’s, or success… those things don’t bring JOY. They may make me “happy” but really, I’m left with this ache.
The only thing that can fill that hole is Jesus. He is the remedy to my disease. My disease of myself and my flesh.
I can’t synthesize JOY. Because it’s not make-able. It just IS because JOY is who JESUS IS. It’s what HE has already done for me.
I want this JOY. I want to live free. I want to live this one precious life Freely- for my King.
This requires me surrendering on my knees eveything that I am clenching so tightly to. I want to do this. But Jesus, I need your help.
God, help us Father. Heal our unbelief and help us to see how simple it is to surrender to you.
We want to know you Father. We need you, Lord.